Before today, I had never made a pros-and-cons list and I felt like a Gilmore Girl while doing it. I am currently at a crossroad that may determine the course of my life forever. (I say 'may' understanding full well that everything changes everything; it just sounded way more "in control", which I think I need right now.) Anyhow, I have many decisions to make regarding many things and my mind is a blur of confusion.
Skipping to something totally random, I feel that I put too many eggs into baskets not yet weaved... I'm not sure why exactly I do that, but I think for my own well being that I need to find ways to dampen that urge. Some may call it the act of being hopeful but I think it's more prudent to call it inexperience. So in defining this as inexperience I should naturally come to the conclusion that time will cure this. I feel helpless in this sense, as I succumb to the urge to hope when I should be taking a normal path. Something in my past has formed this in me, and I feel like I know what it is. I just don't know how to get over it.
The path to what I will become and where I want to be is very open to interpretation. I do not usually plan, and as a result, things fall into place exactly how I feel they were meant to, yet lately I feel the urge to plan. Planning, in every sense of the word, creates expectations, and stunts confidence when one has failed. My parents have always been planners, and I take certain umbrage with that. They are, as well, both perfectionists. Of course, perfect plans seldom happen, and as a result, almost everything in my childhood was known by them to have a flaw. Though I knew that my mother and father would never admit this, there is truth in it. I have no doubt in my mind that it has and always will be a subconscious effort on their part, but it is quite hard to live in a house where you know nothing you do can ever be seen as perfect. It's always nice to be able to look at something and see no flaws, no problems to solve, and take no issue with it. Unfortunately, I feel like I have garnered some of the former from the old crones, but I have tuned it out for years now.
On friends. My best friends have almost all left for the colleges of their choosing. I need now to figure out exactly where I will be this time next year. Will I be at Mercer University, studying International Business from people who have lived and breathed everything I would like to know? I do feel that being able to gain knowledge through seasoned veterans is the best way to learn but at the same time, is it worth the debt I'll be incurring? The other positive to moving away from Jacksonville to Macon, is that I will finally have the independence I need to truly develop into who I want to be. In my other hand I hold these truths: If I stay in Jacksonville, I will attend UNF, I have a chance to develop in a different way, my business prospects in real estate will remain intact, and the possibility of growing closer to many people I already know all exist. I feel that in the long run, if I attend Mercer, I will have an opportunity to become great. I also feel that if I stay in Jacksonville I will become great. Just possibly not fully what I want out of greatness. I say greatness with humility, and not in any way attached to greed. My definition of greatness is to be able to benefit as many people as possible while still reaping the rewards of my work.
On another note, I would like to put a story down in text as it, in particular, has caused my thinking, whether directly or indirectly.
The day was Monday, It had started quite silly. I had gone to bed thinking it was Saturday, when it really was the start of a new week. I ended up missing work.
Lets backtrack, The night previous had been a strange one. Have you ever known somebody and one day you see a new side of them that really strikes a chord.. Anyways, I feel like this gal and I clicked quite well. The witty banter was there, the sense of adventure was also there, the perfect imperfectness of being awesomely quirky was there (the love of lowercase g and the hate of Z really stick out), and as a bonus I could use my 'big words' as they've been put, without feeling condescending. Anyways, we ended up talking for hours; and the most of it was quite meaningful. I was very surprised, and happy at the same time, for if I had known this about her earlier, I would have been slightly jealous.
Back on track. I suppose I really slept good, since I did not wake up on time. I had asked her the night before if she'd like to meet up before my class the next day. I had to get warmed up for my piano class anyway so I played for her on a grand piano in one of the college's rooms. I think she thought my playing would have been less desirable than it actually was. I don't fully play by ear, but my ability to introduce sound as I feel it is completely there. Witty banter got the best of me and before we knew it, the clock struck three. My class was over. At this point, I had nothing more planned, and a very nice evening ensued. I had no way of knowing what would come of this, but I decided it was best to go with what I felt. We walked out of the building in pitch black. The feeling was much like, as she put it in a few less words, going into the movies and coming out in the black of night. It was quite interesting that we had talked for five hours at that point and the night was feeling like it would end. I didn't feel like it should end, but more so that it should just be getting started. It was. I asked her to dinner though I doubt either of us knew it would feel like a date later. We went for pizza at this amazing small Italian cafe near my side of the city. The name is Nora's Pizza, but as the many signs inside remind me, the name will be changing to the poorly thought out and apparently overused "Big Mikes" pizza. I thought this was sad. Nora's Pizza has been a staple in my house for many a year. Though the name is changing, the menu is not, nor the cooks. The pizza ordered came out exactly as I had remembered. This pizza, the pie of all pies, has a thin crust, hand tossed with mozzarella cheese and the normal Italian pizza sauce. It has ricotta cheese, mushrooms, and spinach on top. Black olives may accompany, but not this night. We enjoyed a nice quiet dinner and some great conversation. About 2 hours later we decided we had had enough sitting and I can safely say neither of us wanted to go home at that point. We drove around while thinking of something fun to do. We ended up going into the depths of the Fort Caroline area and basically just drove. What I thought was awesome, was that it didn't matter where we were going, it was just about being in that time. It's a very good feeling. At this point, we pull over to check a gas station for blue Gatorade. For some, it is a myth, for others, pure awesome. Anyhow, we kept driving. I'm not sure how we decided it was time to do something adventurous but we did; the end result being us hopping the seven foot tall fence to the Fort Caroline monument. We parked off to the side and jumped the fence. I'm not sure if I have been there before, but I seem to remember a little bit of the area. I think I had been to some of the nature trail type areas around there when I was younger. We got to the monument, which was very dark until our eyes adjusted. Most of this area is dense woods, but there is a perfect view of the St. Johns from the ledge where we ended up sitting. We sat for an hour or so and more good conversation arose until we heard some strangely conscious footsteps. This definitely sounded two legged and in Florida, only two things are two legged besides crippled squirrels and they are people, and Chupacabras. Neither of which I had any intention of seeing at that point. I will give you this, though, we escaped, but being followed is a strange feeling.
For now, you lot will have to deal with this much, There is a possibility this will be edited later, but for the time being I've gotta go help someone.
As always, have fun!
~Curren
And for searching purposes this post includes topics on Speculation, Females, the fact that nothing good ever happens after one a.m., and 8 points that should have made me feel better but sadly did not accomplish their task.
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